Tag Archives for " Newt Gingrich "

Dec 28

Oh What a Year it Was

By kevin | Current Affairs

No highly selective annual roundup could be complete without noting that last night the Portland Trailblazers, led by Jamal Crawford, Gerald Wallace, Marcus Camby, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Nicolas Batum defeated the Sacto Kings, led by DeMarcus Cousins, Tyreke Evans, Marcus Thornton, and some other guys . . . leading me to wonder, was it something in the water? Marcus 1, Marcus 2, LeMarcus and DeMarcus. David Sterns it’s Dr. Seuss on line 2.

In January, in a weird bit of symmetry, a food cart vendor named Mohamed (there’s a big friggin surprise) lit himself on fire launching what became known as the Arab spring in the dead of winter. Almost exactly a year later, at least some of us await the outcome of the Iowa caucuses hoping that a guy named Newt will spontaneously burst into flames on national TV.

Along the same lines, did anyone else note that in the same month, March, 1) The Donald (R) Gasbag, held a one point lead over Mitt Romney, (R) Vitalis by dredging up that favorite trope of the GOP, that Obama was born in on the planet Rewanhango 6, 2) Obama ordered US planes to join in the fun enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya, and 3) the Fukushima nuclear plant did a full Chernobyl? I’m blaming Fukushima on the Donald, The Donald on Mitt, and Romneycare on Obama, who is a secret pact with his Muslim controllers actually came up with the Massachusetts health care plan BEFORE Romney did and used his alien blue zap to hypnotize Mitt into making it law . . . right before he hypnotized Newt into praising it but after he held Newt at gunpoint and made him go on television with Nancy P.

(For those keeping track, yes I did skip February. Hosni resigned and Muammar cracked down. The rest of the month is a blur.)

And who can forget April? President Obama releases, again, his “long form” birth certificate and Newt Gingrich described Paul Ryan’s deficit reduction plan as radical “right wing social engineering” leading to a universal, month spanning WTF? Knowing that history is a gigantic looping reality show (or reality is a gigantic looping history show) . . .

  1. We can all now look forward to the President releasing his extra-long form, medium form, short-form with footnotes, free-form, and form-fitting birth certificates once the GOP picks a new liar in chief
  2. Newt will be back to saying stupid things that nobody cares about

All by April of 2012. Oh, and Prince William proved again, as did his father and zillions of other rich dudes before him, that you can be as homely as a horse and still get the total babe . . . as long as you are rich.

May saw the fall of Osama bin Laden thanks to Seal Team 6. In the “only in America” category, in that same month the following companies attempted to trademark the name of America’s Top Ninjas (read the list closely).

  1. Resco Instruments for “Chronographs as watches, Dials for clock-and-watch-making, Straps for wristwatches, Watch bands, Watch cases, Watch straps, Watches, Wristwatches”
  2. Justice is Done LLC for “commemorative coins; key rings of precious metals; cufflinks; jewelry; wall plaques made of precious metal”
  3. Jon Nami for “Series of fiction works, namely, novels and books”
  4. M.Z. Berger for “Clocks; Jewelry; Watches”
  5. Disney Enterprises for “Entertainment and education services”, “Toys, games and playthings; gymnastic and sporting articles (except clothing); hand-held units for playing electronic games other than those adapted for use with an external display screen or monitor; Christmas stockings; Christmas tree ornaments and decorations; snow globes” and “Clothing, footwear and headwear”,
  6. NovaLogic for “games and playthings, namely action figures and accessories therefor”

Disney? Disney? Really? In what can only be described as schadenfreude, all of the applications with the exception of Mr. Nami’s are listed as “dead.” Mr. Nami, there is a call for you on line two. Hello, hello . . . are you there?

June saw the the first GOP debate in New Hampshire . . . I know, it’s hard to remember a day when there wasn’t a GOP debate. Back then, God was taking the over on Michele Bachman (R) Seven Clothing Changes a Day, and everyone else was listed as “former.”

  1. Former Business Magnates Cain and Romney
  2. Former Governors Pawlenty and Romney
  3. Former Senator / House Speaker Santorum and Gingrich
  4. Former race war bater Paul

And just when you thought that the GOP had cornered the market on political foolishness, along came Anthony Weiner (D) BVD. We solemnly wait the turning worm wherein the man of 40,000 followers will surely do one of the following before summer.

  1. Take over from Charlie Sheen and the former Mr. Demi Moore in Two and a Half Men,
  2. Do a spread in Playboy posing as Lindsey Lohan posing as Marilyn Monrie
  3. Do a Fox reality show called Anthony’s Weiner

It’s hard to believe that it was just a few months ago, July to be exact, that our elected officials gave up even the slimmest pretense of competency or sanity by creating a “super committee” as the preferred strategy for not shutting down the government. S&P was clearly impressed but in the end it didn’t matter as it turns out that nobody wanted to sleep with the dollars ugly sister the Euro. Bye bye stock market.

Proving that all things revert to the mean, in August Michele Bachman got a bad case of what Stephen Colbert calls “truthiness”, what the GOP faithful don’t notice and don’t care, and what some of us call alternatively “lies,” “made up stuff,” or “OMG, did he/she actually just say that” and informed the nation that the founding fathers had “worked tirelessly to end slavery.” President Obama released his interim mid-form birth certificate in King James English and Arabic. Rick Perry rode to the rescue. The “Anybody But Mitt” crowd breathed a sigh of relief. Qaddafi fled Tripoli. In a poll of prospective Iowa GOP voters, 3% thought his name was Gaddafi, 32% thought that meant Obama had abdicated and Condi Rice was now President, and the rest stopped by The Pizza Ranch for the salad bar.

After a brief turn at the ball, Rick Perry’s brain heads back to Texas leaving the rest of him to duke it out with Lack, Mack, Nack, Ouack, Pack, and Quack on the weekly GOP debate show, To Tell the Truthiness. Fortunately, Herman Cain, (R) Supersize, is there with 9-9-9, a tax plan that kind of makes sense if you’re rich. In other news, a Canadian Magazine incites a bunch of lefties to Occupy Wall Street leading that Defender of the Constitution, Peter King (R) Weimar Republic, to say . . .

“The fact is these people are anarchists. They have no idea what they’re doing out there,” King told host Laura Ingraham. “They have no sense of purpose other than a basically anti-American tone and anti-capitalist. It’s a ragtag mob basically.” “We have to be careful not to allow this to get any legitimacy,” he said, adding “I’m taking this seriously in that I’m old enough to remember what happened in the 1960s when the left-wing took to the streets and somehow the media glorified them and it ended up shaping policy. We can’t allow that to happen.”

Yes, much better to hang a bunch of tea bags off their heads, fund them with copious amounts of money by the Koch brothers, and call them a spontaneous movement. Later that month, an informal poll showed that every potential GOP voter in Iowa had met every GOP candidate twice.

In October, Apple founder Steve Jobs dies and half the literate world goes into mourning. Note to self, Steve Jobs was hyper rich and an asshat. Must start treating people poorly. It wasn’t until December that uber Banker Jamie Dimon said . . . “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and that everyone who is rich is bad — I just don’t get it,” said Dimon at the conference, which was organized by Goldman Sachs Group Inc. . . No dude, the rest of us don’t hate rich people, we just hate you. In other news, Herman Cain delights the faithful by admitting, actually I think bragging is the word I’m looking for, that he didn’t know what an Uzbekistan was, where Libya was, and who Angela Merkel is.

And wasn’t it just last month that the entire eastern seaboard admitted to having sex with Herman Cain and Rick Perry threw down on the three, no wait two agencies he would disband? Herman Cain’s response to his confusion about the whole truth, lies, making stuff up thing, “all this stuff twirling around in my head”, proved a terrific lead in to the super committee dropping a gigantic moist turd. Leave it to Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno to put it all into proper perspective. After several minutes of foaming and thrashing about simply horrible things, the game goes on.

Which brings us to December. Herman Cain finally suspends his campaign (so he can still get federal matching dollars), Newt soars into the lead (meaning he will be toast by next Wednesday), the NBA plays its first games of the aborted (not enough sadly) season, a nation is treated to the sight of the GOP voting against a tax break for the middle classe, and a millions of college football fans shake off that icky sticky feeling it got from the Jerry and Joe buggering fest to feast on . . .

  • The Advocare V100 Independence Bowl
  • The R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
  • The Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
  • The Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
  • The Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl
  • The SD County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
  • The BBVA Compass Bowl
  • The Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl
  • The GoDaddy.com Bowl
  • The Belk Bowl

I can hardly wait for 2012!

Dec 08

Idle Musings

By kevin | Current Affairs

I read today that the NBA Charlotte Hornets are considering a multi-team trade involving Chris Paul, Pau Gasol, Rajon Rando, Jeff Green . . . and in other news, it turns out that Miley Cyrus’ friends call her Marley Cyrus.  Get it, Marly, like Bob Marely? The Ganga King? Hello?  Hello?

Put this down in the “I’m shocked” category, apparently there was voter fraud in the most recent Russian elections.

Speaking of which, never have so many with so little to offer competed so ineffectively for the approval of so few who show so little enthusiasm based on such a completely incoherent set of ideas about what it takes to run a country.

Yesterday was the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor.  With every passing year there are fewer and fewer to remember it first hand. So many possible lessons, not the least of which is that it takes a calamity of monumental proportions to focus the attention of citizens and legislators alike, something that apparently has yet to happen on either side of the Atlantic as the global economy gets ready to crater.

I’m nearly finished reading the superb new biography of Steve Jobs.  I draw these conclusions:

  1. As a young man Jobs was an arrogant asshole who grew up to become an arrogant asshole and died younger than he otherwise might have because he was an arrogant asshole.
  2. Almost without exception, the other technology giants of the same era were arrogant assholes. The same can be said of the founders of the current crop of “social networking” companies.
  3. He and they were all born within ten years of each other and started companies within an hour’s plane flight of each other. The same can largely be said of the founders of the current crop of “social networking” companies.
  4. The companies they founded and the products they created changed the world.
  5. Ergo, the key to success is to be a) an arrogant asshole, and b) lucky.

An accused murderer named Jesse Dimmick kidnapped Jared and Lindsay Rowley and then fell asleep in their house.  They escaped and called the cops who showed up and shot him when he ran. Dimmick is now suing the Rowleys for breaching an “oral contract” by escaping while he slept. It’s true, look it up. It makes me proud to be an American.

It’s been what, a week, and I already miss the Hermanator.

I put the over/under on the collapse of the Euro at December 20th.

Three months ago I would have said the Presidency was the GOPs to loose. So why is it that none of the stud horses in the GOP barn chose to run?

Taking up where they left off in 1963, Joe Kapp a 73 year old arrogant asshole former football player and coach got into a fist fight on stage during a promotional event for the Canadian Football League with a guy named Angelo Mosca. Line two for Mr. Kapp. Dude really?

You know, now that you mention it, it does make sense that all the Herman Cain, (R) Serial Philanderer supporters have swung in behind Newt Gingrich, (R) Serial Philanderer. In retrospect I should have seen that one coming.

Our health care system is 50% more expensive than Norway’s (next most costly per person) yet our life expectancy is 27th in the world, behind Chile. A coronary angioplasty costs about $14,000 (depending on who you are and how payment gets made) in the US and half that in France.  This is where all my knowledgeable health care friends sigh, point out that I don’t have the first clue the real problem, and then offer an explanation I won’t understand. Put me down for either a) a voucher system a la Paul Ryan or b) a single payor, fully socialized system like all those horrible countries that have lower costs, higher life expectancy, and better health care outcomes.  I don’t see any middle ground, but that’s just me.

Note to self: Next time I rig an election, I should make sure I actually win it. V. Putin

Nov 12

It Just Doesn’t Stop

By kevin | Current Affairs , Random Walk

This just in, three out of four Perry supporters didn’t even know we had a Department of Engerrry.

“Republican primary voters see Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich as the presidential candidates most qualified to lead the military and handle a crisis abroad.”  Democratic voters see Romney and Gingrich as the most likely candidates to know where Europe is . . . and Cain as the most likely to know what “a broad” is.

Something you won’t hear at the debate tonight: “Imagine what the Deutsch Mark would be trading at if Germany had stayed out of the Euro!!!”

The SEC has just announced that eight employees have been disciplined over the Madoff unpleasantness.  Three received stern looks, two were sent to bed without their dinner, one was made to “take a time out”, another was required to write “I will not speak out of turn” 500 times, and one had the clean erasers after school.

Note to Candidate Perry on the eve of the Foreign Policy Debate in South Carolina: The one that looks like a boot is Italy.

You heard it here first.  There is going to be a 60 minute special on Sunday that will dare to suggest that all those members of Congress — you know, the ones to whom the ’33 act, ’34 act, The Insider Trading Sanctions Act of 1984 and the Insider Trading and Securities Fraud Enforcement Act of 1988 don’t apply — are trading ahead of the public based on “material non public information.”  Repeat after me, “I’m shocked, just shocked . . .”

I have to admit that I didn’t see the Gingrich upsurge coming. Nothing screams “values” like serial affairs and marriages, an academic pedigree, and a massive Tiffany’s bill.

File this in the “I’m shocked” category.  From the New York Times (so it must be true).

Halfway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, on a former cattle ranch and gypsum mine, NRG Energy is building an engineering marvel: nearly a million solar panels that will power about 100,000 homes. The project is a marvel in another, less obvious way: Taxpayers and ratepayers are providing subsidies worth almost as much as the entire $1.6 billion cost of the project. Similar subsidy packages have been given to 15 other solar- and wind-power electric plants since 2009. The government support — loan guarantees, cash grants and contracts that require electric customers to pay higher rates — largely eliminated the risk to the private investors and almost guaranteed them large profits for years to come. The beneficiaries include Goldman Sachs . . .

I know, right? A government program that is rigged to deliver risk-free rates of return on the order of 25% per annum and Goldman Sachs winds up with all the money?  Like I said, shocking.

Why is it I can’t stop giggling at the thought of Michele, Mitt, Rick, Herman, Ron, Newt, and the other three guys I can’t remember “debating” foreign policy?

Why is it that the first names of the current crop of GOP hopefuls reads like the starting line up of The Little Rascals?

Far too many athletes (and coaches) diminish themselves, their team, and their sport over the course of their career. Joe Frazier was not among them.