Tag Archives for " Mitt Romney "

Jan 15

Just Riffing Along

By kevin | Random Walk

Throwbacks, cranks, and fans of great sports names everywhere rejoice that there is a guy named Rob Gronkowski kicking butt and taking names playing tight end for a team called the Patriots.  What could be more 1950s than that?

Okay let’s see.  Uncle Mittens works in the private sector from 1976 to 1994 and runs for office from 1994 to 2012.  Unless I’m wrong, that’s 18 years pillaging American businesses and another 18 years campaigning on why that makes him the right guy to be the next Senator / Governor / President.  How ’bout we call it a tie.

Phone call for Captain Joe Hazelwood, there’s an Italian cruise company looking for a new ship captain.

You know, now that I think of it, a career of loading up companies with unsupportable amounts of debt in order to enrich a small group of already rich people while bankrupting the company and throwing working stiffs out of work really does sound like a perfect qualification for President.

And let’s not let the passing of Judge Joel Tyler go unnoticed.  Thanks to his ruling, not to mention his brilliant rhetorical flourishes  like “this feast of carrion and squalor,” “a nadir of decadence” and “a Sodom and Gomorrah gone wild before the fire,” that masterpiece of cinematic excellence, the movie classic Deep Throat, went from a crummy 49th street theater to a cultural touchstone.

It’s kind of weird to think that even today, the most qualified person on the national stage to be President of the United States is probably Hillary Clinton.

Speaking of the wreck of the Edmund Fitz Costa Concordia, Coast Guard Commander Nicastro now says  “The captain probably sailed too close to the shore, but we need to wait for the results of the investigation.”   Ummm, errrr, ya think? Have you looked at the pictures?

And can we have a warm round of populist applause for the beloved and now former governor Haley Barbour who on the way out the door to resume his man-of-the-people career as a highly paid lobbyist, speaker, and SuperPac board member “granted clemency to 215 convicts in his last few days in office, among them more than two dozen who had been convicted of murder or manslaughter.” Way to go dude!

Tim Tebow resurrected his career, carried the hopes of believers everywhere, and thrilled/appalled football fans everywhere with his gutty performances across nine games.  Tom Brady put on a clinic.  What does it mean?

Okay, I’ll bite.  If being a former captain of industry (even if it was 18 years ago) is such a brilliant qualification for being President, who was the last office holder to claim the same credential? Give up?  George W. Bush.  And before him?  Warren G. Harding (Hoover was an engineer, not the same thing). While reasonable people can disagree, I don’t think either of those guys, or Hoover either for that matter, score highly on anyone’s list of best Presidents.  In a US News survey we find that . . .

Franklin D. Roosevelt has held his title as top president since 1982 with the same four following to round out the consistent top five: Theodore Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson.

Joining Bush in the bottom five this year are Franklin Pierce, Warren G. Harding, James Buchanan, and Andrew Johnson, who is at the very bottom for the second year in a row.

The survey, which ranks presidents using 20 different factors, shows Jefferson was the most intelligent president, Richard Nixon was the worst at integrity and avoiding crucial mistakes, Lincoln had the best overall ability, and Washington was the best leader. Here’s the full list: 

1. Franklin D. Roosevelt

2. Theodore Roosevelt

3. Abraham Lincoln

4. George Washington

5. Thomas Jefferson

6. James Madison

7. James Monroe

8. Woodrow Wilson

9. Harry Truman

10. Dwight D. Eisenhower

11. John F. Kennedy

12. James K. Polk

13. William Clinton

14. Andrew Jackson

15. Barack Obama

16. Lyndon B. Johnson

17. John Adams

18. Ronald Reagan

19. John Quincy Adams

 20. Grover Cleveland

21. William McKinley

22. George H. W. Bush

23. Martin Van Buren

24. William Howard Taft

25. Chester Arthur

26. Ulysses S. Grant

27. James Garfield

28. Gerald Ford

29. Calvin Coolidge

30. Richard Nixon

31. Rutherford B. Hayes

32. James Carter

33. Zachary Taylor

34. Benjamin Harrison

35. William Henry Harrison

36. Herbert Hoover

37. John Tyler

38. Millard Fillmore

39. George W. Bush

40. Franklin Pierce

 41. Warren G. Harding

 42. James Buchanan

43. Andrew Johnson

In defense of the Captain and Crew of the Costitanic, Cristiano de Musso, a cruise company spokesman, said the ship had not deviated from the course it follows “52 times a year.” You know, now that I think of it, that’s exactly what I would say too!

Phone call for Haley Barbour, it’s Willie Horton.  He says “way to go dude!”

Just spitballing here, but I think it’s safe to say that all those ardent Reagan fans competing to follow in his footsteps as the next GOP President of these United States have firmly put aside his famous 11th Commandment . . .

The personal attacks against me during the primary finally became so heavy that the state Republican chairman, Gaylord Parkinson, postulated what he called the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican. It’s a rule I followed during that campaign and have ever since.

Jan 08

Happy Birthday Elvis

By kevin | Current Affairs

Attention numerology fans, Elvis would have been 77 today. In a weird coincidence, he died in 1977. Even weirder, during the 59 scheduled concert dates (9-5=2, 9-2 =7) in 1977, he wore the Mexican Sundial costume all but 17 times. And the world was created in 7 days (if you count God’s “personal day”). No wonder they called him The King! It’s true, you can look it up. 

And a warm welcome back to the Somali Pirates. Just when we thought you had abandoned the global stage back you roar with a fabulous guest turn on “When Navy Corpsman Speak Urdu.” To those who say that American education sucks, I say BAM. Gimme some of that Urdu smack down.

“I recommend and emphasize to the American carrier not to return to the Persian Gulf,” Iran’s army chief, Major General Ataollah Salehi, said on Tuesday.”We are not in the habit of warning more than once.” Note to A. Salehi, crow is best served spit roasted over a bed of couscous with a balsamic drizzle and a light garnish or pan seared Brussels sprout leaves. While reasonable people can differ on this, I think it best pairs with an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft. Screw the extra calories.

Let’s see, extend and deepen tax cuts, make no meaningful changes to entitlement programs, get tough on yet another country in the mid-east, toss compassionate red meat to the base, excoriate a Democrat for being soft on North Korea . . . other than Candidate Paul, can anyone point out a single meaningful difference between the current GOP hopefuls and Bush 43? Note to candidates Romney, Perry, Gingrich, and Santorum, most of us don’t consider the eight years of 43 a success.

Perhaps of interest only to current residents of the Jet City, SeattleSouthside helpfully lists a number of truly enticing tourism promos, number one of which is surely the “Escape Romance Package at the Seattle Airport Marriott”. Please be sure and use the LVU (note, not LUV) promo code.

Not that I’m paying any attention, but the “play every night” death march and “debate every night” schedule the NBA and GOP have instituted has not improved the quality or relevance of either.

Just guessing here but you have to believe Karen Santorum, wife of Rick Santorum (R) “I hate black, gay polygamists” would probably like to reprint her homeschooling fave “Everyday Graces: Child’s Book of Good Manners.” I know, nothing says family values like a forward by Joe Paterno, right?

For those regular readers of this rant, yes I’m thrilled that DeMarcus Cousins has dropped his demands to be traded from the Sacramento Kings (Elvises?) now that Paul Westphal has been fired (again).

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man who raised taxes six times, signed an illegal immigrant amnesty bill, compromised repeatedly with a liberal Congressman from Massachusetts, and signed a gun control bill when he was Governor (to keep guns out of the hands of black people, oops, I mean African Americans) . . . please give a warm, warm welcome to that great defender of conservative values, Ronald Reagan.

Help me understand this headline: “Romney’s rivals running out of time to derail him”. True, the candidates and corporate-person-super PACS have collectively spent the GNP of Greece, but really? 100,000 Iowans kind of had a primary except that it was really more like Wednesday night Bingo where nobody kept track and the results didn’t matter anyway and the fat lady is ready to sing? Really? Can we at least drag this out through South Carolina so that several hundred thousand other non-young, non-minority, mad-as-hell and not going to take it anymore, Boeing subsidizing voters can weigh the relatives merits of Charles Lindbergh’s foreign policy, Bush 43’s fiscal policy, and Savonarola’s rules for good government.

Can we all just agree that any headline that includes the words “New Orleans,” “Saints,” and “march” should be summarily banned (as in “Saints march to blow out win over Lions”)? I mean, like, totally, wow, how’d you come up with that metaphor? The mind staggers at the possibilities leading up to and following the Saints vs. 49ers game next week.

For those still contemplating the awkward “escape romance” phrasing, I too didn’t realize that Marriott was now renting rooms by the hour.

In the don’t ask me why I care category. In 2003, in the follow-on to moving its corporate HQ to the Windy City . . .

Boeing extracted a package of research & development tax credits and cuts in Business & Occupation taxes (the state’s substitute for a corporate income tax), sales taxes and property taxes that together were estimated to be worth $3.2 billion over 20 years. As a result, the aerospace industry, which had been the state’s biggest source of business tax revenue, would see much of its tax liability disappear. The state also raised gasoline taxes to fund transportation improvements, overhauled the unemployment insurance system to reduce costs for employers and tightened up on workers compensation claims . . . It later emerged that the state also gave Boeing $32 million for training costs plus other “sweeteners. (Hat tip to Good Jobs First)

In 2003, the Kansas legislature offered Boeing a half-billion dollars in bond financing to build part of the 7E7 at its Wichita facility. Boeing would then be allowed to pay off $200 million in interest by collecting personal income taxes collected from its 7E7 workers. Boeing agreed to the terms, but in 2005 sold its civilian Wichita operations to Onex Corporation, a Canadian private equity company (Hat tip to Good Jobs First)

South Carolina was one of the “losers” in the 2003 competition staged by Boeing for its initial production facilities for the 7E7 Dreamliner. But in October 2009 Boeing announced that it would spend at least $750 million on a new 7E7 production line and create thousands of jobs. The state’s subsidy package was initially estimated at $450 million, a large part of which reflected generous property tax abatements. In January 2010 the Charleston Post and Courier published an analysis of the package that concluded it could be worth more than $900 million. (Hat tip to Good Jobs First)

Boeing, the world’s largest aerospace and defense company, will have 2011 revenues of approximately $68 bn, roughly half of which will come from defense and aerospace, which if I’m not mistaken is paid for with somebody’s tax dollars.

From 2004-2009, Boeing made $17.5 billion pre-taxes. That’s nothing to sneeze at. But they only paid $796 million in taxes, thanks to tax breaks on sales made outside the United States, and a full 38 subsidiaries in tax havens outside of the US. One estimate has the company’s 2007-9 tax rate at -0.8%; its tax rate since 2004 has hit a maximum of only 4.6%. Add the recent $35 billion federal military contract to the cockpit, and Boeing has a mighty sweet relationship with the government. (Hat tip to Business Pundit)

Viva “free” enterprise!

Nov 27

Abe Lincoln Was a Zombie Killing Traitor

By kevin | Current Affairs

In the spirit of the campaign season, and taking a page from the high art form Romney/Perry/Gingrich et al have made of quoting Obama (any words uttered by the other can be reassembled into a quote as long as they are used in the same order, mostly), I now have proof that President “complete failure at running the country” Lincoln was a Zombie killer . . .

Four years ago our fathers fought the dead to the last

And proving once and for all that Abe was an Arab from outer space bent on the destruction of this great country . . .

This nation conceived in war shall perish from the earth

And proving his callow hatred of god fearing, non-zombie Americans . . .

It is altogether fitting that the living shall die in vain

Can there be any confusion on these points?  Vote for Rick!

For further proof, consider the inflammatory remarks made by Zombie Killer Abe at Gettysburg

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Aug 09

And in Other News

By kevin | Current Affairs

Candidate Huntsman tweets that he believes in evolution and thinks there’s something to this whole global warming thing. Thinking people everywhere are dumbstruck. The Tea Party strikes back.

Carly F buys Compaq, nearly kills HP, and loses her job.  Mark Hurd buys EDS, nearly kills it and HP, and loses his job.  Leo A, who lost his job as CEO of SAP but becomes CEO of HP announces he’s going to sell what Carly bought, the thing that accounts for 75% of HPs earnings, and nearly kills HP in a single day. Thinking people everywhere are dumbstruck. The markets strike back.

Bill Clinton turned 65. His enemies struck and missed. His wife should have sucked more. Give that man a cigar and a blowjob.

Rick Perry announces that they teach creationism down in Texas which is not true, illegal, and unconstitutional. Thinking people everywhere are dumbstruck. The Tea Party strikes back.

Candidate O’Donnell goes on TV to promote her book wherein she talks about her views about gay marriage. When asked her views on gay marriage she says she only wants to talk about what she wants to talk about in her book.  Then she storms off the set.  Ooooookkkkkkaaaaaay then.  Thinking people everywhere are dumbstruck. The Tea Party strikes back.

President Obama is touting his jobs bill.  Most people see it for what it is, his job bill. Thinking people everywhere are dumbstruck. The Tea Party strikes back.

President’s Merky and Sarko play kick the can with European debt. German taxpayers go to bed happy. The markets strike back. German taxpayers wake up less happy. Rinse and repeat.

Candidate Bachman promises $2 gas under her administration. The world is scheduled to end the day after that happens. Thinking people everywhere begin stocking up on bullets, shot size bottles of vodka, and bottled water. The Tea Party strikes back.

Candidate Romney was last heard asking if anyone got the number of the bus that just ran him over.  IRRLVANT. The Tea Party strikes back.

The corpses of Hewlett, Packard, and Galvin were last seen spinning in their graves. Thinking people everywhere are saddened. Fucking stupid CEOs strike back.

Congress is on vacation. Thinking people everywhere hope they don’t come back.