Monthly Archives: November 2011

Nov 27

Abe Lincoln Was a Zombie Killing Traitor

By kevin | Current Affairs

In the spirit of the campaign season, and taking a page from the high art form Romney/Perry/Gingrich et al have made of quoting Obama (any words uttered by the other can be reassembled into a quote as long as they are used in the same order, mostly), I now have proof that President “complete failure at running the country” Lincoln was a Zombie killer . . .

Four years ago our fathers fought the dead to the last

And proving once and for all that Abe was an Arab from outer space bent on the destruction of this great country . . .

This nation conceived in war shall perish from the earth

And proving his callow hatred of god fearing, non-zombie Americans . . .

It is altogether fitting that the living shall die in vain

Can there be any confusion on these points?  Vote for Rick!

For further proof, consider the inflammatory remarks made by Zombie Killer Abe at Gettysburg

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Nov 22

Some Headlines Are Too Good to be True

By kevin | Current Affairs

As seen on CNN . . .

“Bachman and Perry clash on Foreign Policy.”

You really just have to sit and marvel at the thought of these two giants going at it on countries they couldn’t find on a map using Google and talking about people they couldn’t pick out of police lineup on a bet. I almost don’t want to riff on it because it’s just so perfect. But I will. It’s kind of like a headline saying . . .

Tinker bell and Dumbo clash on Camu vs. Sartre

Mantle and Berra mix it up on particle physics

Bert and Ernie weigh in on great taste / less filling debate

Laurel and Hardy spar over Patriot Act (oh, wait . . .)

Stuhldreher, Crowley, Miller and Layden debate Maimonides (ten points if you get this one)

Nov 12

It Just Doesn’t Stop

By kevin | Current Affairs , Random Walk

This just in, three out of four Perry supporters didn’t even know we had a Department of Engerrry.

“Republican primary voters see Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich as the presidential candidates most qualified to lead the military and handle a crisis abroad.”  Democratic voters see Romney and Gingrich as the most likely candidates to know where Europe is . . . and Cain as the most likely to know what “a broad” is.

Something you won’t hear at the debate tonight: “Imagine what the Deutsch Mark would be trading at if Germany had stayed out of the Euro!!!”

The SEC has just announced that eight employees have been disciplined over the Madoff unpleasantness.  Three received stern looks, two were sent to bed without their dinner, one was made to “take a time out”, another was required to write “I will not speak out of turn” 500 times, and one had the clean erasers after school.

Note to Candidate Perry on the eve of the Foreign Policy Debate in South Carolina: The one that looks like a boot is Italy.

You heard it here first.  There is going to be a 60 minute special on Sunday that will dare to suggest that all those members of Congress — you know, the ones to whom the ’33 act, ’34 act, The Insider Trading Sanctions Act of 1984 and the Insider Trading and Securities Fraud Enforcement Act of 1988 don’t apply — are trading ahead of the public based on “material non public information.”  Repeat after me, “I’m shocked, just shocked . . .”

I have to admit that I didn’t see the Gingrich upsurge coming. Nothing screams “values” like serial affairs and marriages, an academic pedigree, and a massive Tiffany’s bill.

File this in the “I’m shocked” category.  From the New York Times (so it must be true).

Halfway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, on a former cattle ranch and gypsum mine, NRG Energy is building an engineering marvel: nearly a million solar panels that will power about 100,000 homes. The project is a marvel in another, less obvious way: Taxpayers and ratepayers are providing subsidies worth almost as much as the entire $1.6 billion cost of the project. Similar subsidy packages have been given to 15 other solar- and wind-power electric plants since 2009. The government support — loan guarantees, cash grants and contracts that require electric customers to pay higher rates — largely eliminated the risk to the private investors and almost guaranteed them large profits for years to come. The beneficiaries include Goldman Sachs . . .

I know, right? A government program that is rigged to deliver risk-free rates of return on the order of 25% per annum and Goldman Sachs winds up with all the money?  Like I said, shocking.

Why is it I can’t stop giggling at the thought of Michele, Mitt, Rick, Herman, Ron, Newt, and the other three guys I can’t remember “debating” foreign policy?

Why is it that the first names of the current crop of GOP hopefuls reads like the starting line up of The Little Rascals?

Far too many athletes (and coaches) diminish themselves, their team, and their sport over the course of their career. Joe Frazier was not among them.

Nov 09

Just the Other Side of the Debate

By kevin | Current Affairs , Random Walk

I’m looking at the WSJ on my iPad.  Immediately underneath the headline “Herman Cain: “I have Never Acted Inappropriately” is a picture of the soon to be former PM of Italy and just below that is a caption that says “Italian bond yields jumped to staggering highs in a chilling replay of the market volatility that preceded bailouts of Greece, Ireland, and Portugal.”  Holy smokes, you mean it’s Herman Cain’s fault?

Just spitballing here, but when you wind up and pitch the idea that there are three agencies you want to do away with, you might want to have on the tip of your tongue which ones you have in mind Rick Perry (R) Three Times a Charm.

Phone call for Marco Rubio.  Next.

Was it just me or did Michele Bachman (R) God Told Me To Run, look like she had recently hit the tanning bed?

Phone call for Mr. Cain, It’s the shark you jumped on line two. “For every one person that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that none of that activity ever can from Herman Cain.”  Really?  Did you actually think about that before you said it?

The best part about having never once played fantasy football is that I’m not kicking myself for taking Peyton Manning first this year.

Best job in the world? GOP candidate. You get to not just make up the craziest sounding shit, but you get to say it out loud on television and people will cheer wildly. “I can see Russia from my house!” Manic applause. “I’m going to cut three agencies just as soon as I remember their names!” Standing ovation. “I’m going create a tax credit for evil dwarfs who can spin straw into gold.” Pandemonium. “Our scary black man is better than their scary black man!” Grown men weep.

All those who thought that the latest episode of Glee where some of the characters went all the way went too far raise your hands.  Anyone?

Well this is embarrassing, three different appellate courts have now turned back GOP-led challenges to Obamacare, the latest led by a rock-ribbed conservative Reagan appointee who wrote in the majority opinion, “The right to be free from federal regulation is not absolute and yields to the imperative that Congress be free to forge national solutions to national problems.”

Overheard: Gary Hart, Larry Craig, John Edwards, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, President Clinton muttering to themselves, “Why didn’t I think to say ‘Look at all the people I haven’t had sex with’? Crap.”

For those keeping score at home, it’s all Europe all the time and the game is only in the third inning.

News flash, GOP Super Duper Committee members announce they are now for tax increases! Is it just me or does eliminating the deduction on second homes worth more than $1.5mm in exchange for reducing the top bracket from 35% to 28% sound more like a tax cut than a tax increase? Kind of the fiscal equivalent of “For every one person that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that . . .”

And this weeks entry in the Reality TV hall of fame: “I’d like to use a friend on that one. Ron, what’s the name of that agency I want to kill?”

Note to the bankrupt GOP party (no, the party actually is out of money with no real prospects of paying off its debts) from someone who has voted GOP in the past and would be willing to in the future, “Do you think you could take the office of the President just a little bit seriously?”

One of the best books I’ve read this year: Citizens of London.  A must read for anyone with even a passing interest in WW II.  Brilliant book.

I keep trying to find something pithy to say about Joe Paterno, Penn State, college football.  Right now the best I can come up with is that the last college football game I watched was in 2004 at the recently departed Husky Stadium. Now I’m embarrassed that I even check the scores. Blah, blah, blah, billion dollar television contract, blah, blah, BCS, blah, blah, bullshit. The world would not in any meaningful way be impoverished if the entire shitbread enterprise called intercollegiate sports was shut down next Tuesday.

Paging Kermit the Frog, it’s the GOP on line 3.  Next.

Nov 05

Too Much Time on My Hands

By kevin | Current Affairs

Some oldies from a couple of weeks ago . . .

Okay, let’s see.  Michelle Bachman announced that her New Hampshire campaign is replacing the people that didn’t quit en masse (vigorously denied by the Bachman campaign) that weren’t getting paid so how could they quit because the campaign is out of money anyway. I’ve changed my mind.  I do think she’s the right candidate for the GOP.

The rumors that Mrs. Merkel is sizing drapes for the Acropolis are greatly exaggerated. She’s only asking for “all those wonderful little islands.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  A Mormon and a black man with an Arab name go into a bar . . .

Here’s a show stopper . . . Herman Cain (R) Three toppings for the price of two, is a tax scofflaw.  I’ve changed my mind.  I do think he’s the right candidate for the GOP.

Just wondering.  If God told Michelle Bachman to run for President, and her campaign is out of money and near collapse . . . how does that work again?

Nothing says “originalist” like proposing term limits on the Supremes and disbanding the Ninth Circuit court.  Note to Candidates Gingrich (R) Third Grade History, and Santorum (R) God Likes Me Better Than Michelle, your interpretation of Article III is a stretch. A BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGG stretch.

And now . . .

Now that you mention it, nothing says Big East like Boise State.

I’m with Whoopie, the concept of our blacks are better than your blacks is beyond repulsive.

Call me old fashioned, wasn’t the first clue the porn tape?  Did you really need a second clue to guess the wedding was a sham?

Best line from the excellent movie “Margin Call.” “So, you’re a rocket scientist.”  You have to watch it.

There is a word for anyone that bought Groupon on the open.  Sucker.

Just wondering, is it still a high tech lynching when the guy leaking the dirt on Uncle Herman works for Rick Perry?

Show of hands, who on this line actually thinks the most important Kardashian defended OJ?

For what it’s worth, the worst case scenario with Greece is far worse than you think.

Mississippi has a ballot initiative declaring that a fertilized fetus is in fact a person.  What’s next, declaring corporations are persons?  Oh wait . . .

A bunch of years ago a firm called Refco went belly up.  Among their many transgressions, commingling customer funds with the firm’s capital (the net effect of disbanding Glass Stegal is that all firms with bank charters effectively do this, but whatever).  So a bunch of the execs went to jail.  And what, pray tell, happened to the rest?  They started MF Global.

For the fellas still trying to find it on the map, head up to 110th street and go left (that’s the hand you don’t shoot with).  That big body of water is actually just the Hudson River.  Keep going another 2148 Miles to 1910 University Dr, Boise, Idaho 83706.  It’s like the world’s biggest out pattern.

If a fetus is a person and a corporation is a person, does that mean a corporation is a fetus too?  Just wondering.

Hey all you Boise State alum, Ketchum is not actually in the “Midwest” and Provo is not “the east coast” as your new conference colleagues understand the term.